Boundless

I'd rather be on the surface of a luminescent moon.

I'd rather be part of a sunset, melting into the sky.

I'd rather be on a cloud, touching the stratosphere.

Anywhere but stuck here, on this Earth.

With my soul stranded and chained.

Earth is beautiful, but not beautiful enough.

Wondering if I have hidden wings or powers.

To deliver me outside my body, like a butterfly from a cocoon.

To emerge immortal, boundless and free.

I'd rather be exploring the galaxies beyond Saturn's many halos.

I'd rather be introduced to the nebulas that existed before time.

I'd rather be a part of the dark matter that holds everything.

Anywhere but stuck here, on this Earth.

With my soul stranded and chained.

Earth is beautiful, but not beautiful enough.

Who is she?

I know that I'm only temporary
Just here to fulfill your need and mines
We both sense our end as a couple
But desperation keeps us together--tied

It seems as though I'm waiting for her
The one I know will steal your heart
I'm waiting for the day when you say to me
I met someone else
Then I fall apart

She'll be rosey and kind
Gentle and sweet
Young and beautiful
She'll keep you intrigued

Her mind will entrance you like euphoric lights
Her eyes will be auroras of the night
Your heart will flutter
Her heart will ignite

Then I will stand as a shadow
To the one that will be your flame
Engulfed in your joy and glowing happiness
The woman of your desires, destined to bear your name.

Now, you will be gone
And I, to pick up the shards
Left to mend my broken pieces of self
Shining like deserted stars.

I'm just waiting for the blow
Waiting for the burn of the night
That night when you'll say
You are not who I want.

This woman, where is she to take my man?
Hurry and let this hurt take place.
So that this wound can heal
Before reality meets me face to face.

Mistake

I am the mistake that no one dares to speak about
I am the hurt that manifested into doubt
I am the fetus that should've never been  alive
And until this day, I wonder my demise.

What would life be like if only I stayed away
From this terrible Earth full of toil and pain
Why did I choose to take my first breath?
Why do I continue to avoid a timely death?

I am the seed that has grown into a weed
I am the thorns that make the fingers bleed
Upon a rose that is thought to bring love
I am the stain cast upon a pristine glove

What would happen if there was no soul
And I turn into energy if I ever choose to go?
Why didn't God let me stay as a thought?
So the price of myself, would've never been bought?

Weight

Skinny
I over did it.
I didn't want to look this thin.
But I couldn't stop picking myself apart.
For years, I tried to ration out my portions
Not thinking that the habit would permanently stick
Now leading to a sick feeling when I'm sitting in front of a plate
Trying not to overthink or gag when chewing morsels.
Trying to constantly convince my brain to take the food in---
Trying to feel normal again.

I don't thoroughly enjoy eating now.
It's too much work.
It mentally and emotionally drains me.

I stepped on the scale recently---134
How small will I get?
How much more weight would I lose?

Desperately trying to gain some of it back.
To regain the color to my face.
And the sparkle to my eyes.

Skinny
I over did it.
I didn't really want to do this forever
Now I'm shackled to this downward spiral.
Clothes are getting looser.
Energy keeps getting lower.
Tired of the sick feeling when I'm sitting in front of a plate.
Tired of overthinking everything.
Tired of having to constantly tell  my brain that its okay to feed my body.
Tired of not feeling normal again.

I just want to live. Not survive.

Release

I remember the welps on my back and legs.
The open wound on my thigh from an extension chord.
The bruise on my face.
The scars on my heart.

What started and what would've been something powerful,
has manifested into something worse than the ruins of another Roman Empire.
I am troubled and unfixable.
I fear myself.
I fear love.
I fear trust.
I fear vulnerability.
I fear a life of loneliness.

You made me feel like I was nothing.
And now I stand here, a fraction of a person.
Because your fucking words keep echoing into my soul.
Branding me over and over again, like an animal to a slaughter house.
I hate that you've done this to me!

Cry (Haiku)

Pretty brown girl, cry.
It's okay to feel the pain.
Let the tears find you.

Insecurities

He made me feel good.

So I parted my legs as if to give him an offering at his alter.
I budded for him because he made me forget my perceived ugliness
He made me smile.
To him, I wasn't a "bad" girl.
I was just a beautiful goddess.
Something that I couldn't paint in myself.
Because according to me, I was no canvas.
I was broken.
My inner compass didn't work.
So I felt lead and drawn to the nearest compliment.
God wasn't enough.
He was invisible.
How can I be an amazing creation to something that didn't want to show his face to me?
I was mad.
I was hungry for affirmations.
Greedy for fake admiration.
Bleeding for attention.
Wanting to be held and told I was worthy.

He made me feel good.
Even though my cup felt as if it would be empty forever. 
I was in constant need of inner surgery
That only relationships and sex could fulfill
I walked on glass
Crawled on stones
Believed that I was metamorphic.
But I was still me.
A shattered me.
No rescuing would ever come  to something unfixable.
I am forever a bird with clipped wings.
Never to fulfill its purpose within the sky again.
I have fulfilled my purpose as somebody's fix.
I was his notch.
He was my drug.
I lost my pride.

Holes

I dream of diamonds
Pouring down onto me like a rain-fall.
Except I am the dirt on the ground
Unable to swallow up the treasures.
Instead, they fall on me.
Piercing my flesh.
Mocking my existence
While they are taken-up and adorned.
And I am constantly trampled.
Leaving behind imprints and scars.
Dirt.
Dry and infertile.
Unable to produce flowers or hold the roots to a tree.
I have only been good for digging holes.
Only been good for burying the dead
As he continuously enters me and attach his broken shards to my grave.
I bury the dead
I never revive. Never to bring forth love and beauty.
Only tears and mourning of a once jubilant heart.
Dirt.
How long will I endure this pain?
The tears that burn my eyes numb my desire to no longer breathe.
They hold me tight.
They assure that I can feel and that I'm still here.
They make me matter.
They keep me still, even though I want to run.
Run fast.
Away from myself and my eternal hell.
Again I loved, and again I failed.
When will I become the diamonds in my dreams?
Instead of the dirt that pales in their beams?
I am lost.
I am hurt.
I was born not a diamond.
I am nothing.

Inner Child

I wanted the meekest part of me to drown in the sea of forgetfulness.
I wanted my sensitivity to her cries to be silenced forever--
I wanted to never care about her again; that part of me to be a memory
--A spec of dust on the face of eternity.

Now I want that part of me, the refused to heal, to cease from existing.
Now I want the thorns from my flesh to be torn away and replaced with honey suckles.
Now I want to be a tree of healing for all;
Now I want to be my own place of worship where I can engrave the holy scriptures of self love unto my heart.

I want to never part from Spirit.
If only I can leave the hurting girl inside of me.
If only I left her to die a long time ago.
But I can't.

She is me.
The bleeding parts of her also sustain my life force.
The tears that she has cried were the nourishment for my strength.
Her sleepless nights fueled my mental peace during unbearable days.

So to be rid of her, would be to ultimately destroy me.
Because I can not become this life tree of today,
Without having to go through the pain of my past.
At last, I am here.

But I want her to come out and be free from the imprisonment I've banished her in.
So that she can join me.
Free from self neglect.
Basking in forgiveness and eternal love.

This Ain't Love (Explicit)

This ain't love
I thought love was butterflies in the stomach
Heart palpitations in the chest
Calling you every night
And us having great sex.

I thought love was just emotions and maybe more-
Touches, hugs and kisses
Nights of longing for my name to change from Ms to Mrs.
But I was wrong.

Love is painful
Love is like giving birth
Then after the contractions
Looking into a rainbow
Leaving you in awe and wonder of your creation.

I didn't know the meaning of sacrifice
Until I had to die to myself so that you can live
I didn't know that physical pleasure was temporary
But lifting you up during hard times was forever

Love scraped my heart
It folded my soul
It killed my ambition for an artificial high
And it gave me the desire for a stronger soul tie.

Love killed my dreams for a perfect ending
And gave me the endurance for a perfect journey
It matured me in a different way
It gave me words that weren't good enough to say
But to demonstrate through action.

Love gave me traction to keep from slipping when I wanted to
Lust could never do that
Lust was too weak to make that strong of a pact.
Love kept me from leaving.

Love is being strong when you feel like breaking
Love does with intention and never mistaking
Love does because it has a code of honor
Love is eternal; if can, it'll go longer.

This type of force
just can't have one basic reference
If it can be named anything
Why not Divine Reverence

Thick Skin

I hate that I have to have thick skin.
When somebody calls me a black bitch,
I'm supposed to take it in,
Then spit it out like a lose tooth from a punch.

I hate that I have to ignore the hate
Because people think that I'm half human/half ape
Because my hair is kinky and my skin is brown
I hate that I have to smile to hide my frown

So no-one can see the tear marks hidden away in my eyes
When society says that your life don't matter
And being alive is a crime
I hate that I have to even say that
But it's a hate that I have to live with
A hate that feels colder than fact.

I hate that I have to one day, tell my son or my daughter
That yes, you're black and the world thinks you're cursed.
When they have to ask, "Then mommy, wouldn't us being here make the world worse?"
I hate that they will have to one day, struggle to find their self esteem.
Like I had to...

I hate that I'm not seen as a woman

That was designed to love and give birth to different forms of art
But my blood is used as warrior paint instead of a symbol of loss
My body was used as a pin cushion and a cadaver for abuse
Thick skin is how my ancestors survived past society's noose

I am tired of being emotionally strong
I want to feel vulnerable and not be labeled weak.
I want to be able to cry and see more days that are less bleak
I want to feel like I'm a FUCKING PERSON
And not a virus because of my skin color
I want to be judged as an individual
And not by anything other

But I know it's not going to happen
Because systematically we're in too deep.
But I hate that it's this way
Some nights I can't even sleep.

Thinking about the next generation
Is the best thing that I can do.
I have to put on that thick skin.
So that they can see how to overcome this too.

I Am Not Your Hoe

I am not your hoe.
Your bitch.
Your itch that you need to scratch.
Your entitlement because you think I'm weaker than you,
Or can't fight back.
Watch who you attack.
Because I could be the daughter that comes from your loins.
In which I'm sure you wouldn't want her worth being reduced to two red coins-
Or two pennies-
Or two cents-
Act like you have some sense.
Because I act like a lady, I don't act like a bitch.
Or a female dog in heat.
Do you see four legs on me?
Am I an animal or a human being?
Which you choose to unleash that verbal mess on me?

I am not your sex toy.
Or a walking, breathing flesh light with boobs.
Yes, I am beautiful.
But calling me a "bad bitch"?
Then my respect you all loose.
What in the hell is wrong with y'all today?
Who told you to approach me that way?
And if I don't entertain your play,
Now-I'm a hoe?
A thot?
A beastie?
A piece of trash?
No ass having, fuck you black bitch?

Hold-up...

Learn how to say hello.
Maybe introduce yourself formally.
Can I have a name, at least?
Or are you gonna continue acting like a dog who needs a leash?
If you want to ask me out on a date,
Engage me in an interesting convo.
I'm not a bait; or some food; or a "Hey you! Hey you, girl!"
I'm a grown ass woman.
Who expects to be approached as such.
Not some cheap, desperado that you can snatch real quick
Because you want your penis sucked or you need a fast nut.

Disclaimer: Not that I don't like to treat my man to such pleasures
But before I give you that crown
You got to get to know me to discover this treasure.
But if a hoe, thot, beastie, or bitch is what you're looking for,
You're referring to the wrong chick.
I'm not those women that you're used to.
I don't screw every dick.
So miss me with that disrespectful bull.
I'm a woman not a piece of meat.
That shit is not cool.
Manners is what you learned in primary school.
So act like you know; stop acting like a fool.