Insecurities

He made me feel good.

So I parted my legs as if to give him an offering at his alter.
I budded for him because he made me forget my perceived ugliness
He made me smile.
To him, I wasn't a "bad" girl.
I was just a beautiful goddess.
Something that I couldn't paint in myself.
Because according to me, I was no canvas.
I was broken.
My inner compass didn't work.
So I felt lead and drawn to the nearest compliment.
God wasn't enough.
He was invisible.
How can I be an amazing creation to something that didn't want to show his face to me?
I was mad.
I was hungry for affirmations.
Greedy for fake admiration.
Bleeding for attention.
Wanting to be held and told I was worthy.

He made me feel good.
Even though my cup felt as if it would be empty forever. 
I was in constant need of inner surgery
That only relationships and sex could fulfill
I walked on glass
Crawled on stones
Believed that I was metamorphic.
But I was still me.
A shattered me.
No rescuing would ever come  to something unfixable.
I am forever a bird with clipped wings.
Never to fulfill its purpose within the sky again.
I have fulfilled my purpose as somebody's fix.
I was his notch.
He was my drug.
I lost my pride.

Holes

I dream of diamonds
Pouring down onto me like a rain-fall.
Except I am the dirt on the ground
Unable to swallow up the treasures.
Instead, they fall on me.
Piercing my flesh.
Mocking my existence
While they are taken-up and adorned.
And I am constantly trampled.
Leaving behind imprints and scars.
Dirt.
Dry and infertile.
Unable to produce flowers or hold the roots to a tree.
I have only been good for digging holes.
Only been good for burying the dead
As he continuously enters me and attach his broken shards to my grave.
I bury the dead
I never revive. Never to bring forth love and beauty.
Only tears and mourning of a once jubilant heart.
Dirt.
How long will I endure this pain?
The tears that burn my eyes numb my desire to no longer breathe.
They hold me tight.
They assure that I can feel and that I'm still here.
They make me matter.
They keep me still, even though I want to run.
Run fast.
Away from myself and my eternal hell.
Again I loved, and again I failed.
When will I become the diamonds in my dreams?
Instead of the dirt that pales in their beams?
I am lost.
I am hurt.
I was born not a diamond.
I am nothing.

Inner Child

I wanted the meekest part of me to drown in the sea of forgetfulness.
I wanted my sensitivity to her cries to be silenced forever--
I wanted to never care about her again; that part of me to be a memory
--A spec of dust on the face of eternity.

Now I want that part of me, the refused to heal, to cease from existing.
Now I want the thorns from my flesh to be torn away and replaced with honey suckles.
Now I want to be a tree of healing for all;
Now I want to be my own place of worship where I can engrave the holy scriptures of self love unto my heart.

I want to never part from Spirit.
If only I can leave the hurting girl inside of me.
If only I left her to die a long time ago.
But I can't.

She is me.
The bleeding parts of her also sustain my life force.
The tears that she has cried were the nourishment for my strength.
Her sleepless nights fueled my mental peace during unbearable days.

So to be rid of her, would be to ultimately destroy me.
Because I can not become this life tree of today,
Without having to go through the pain of my past.
At last, I am here.

But I want her to come out and be free from the imprisonment I've banished her in.
So that she can join me.
Free from self neglect.
Basking in forgiveness and eternal love.

This Ain't Love (Explicit)

This ain't love
I thought love was butterflies in the stomach
Heart palpitations in the chest
Calling you every night
And us having great sex.

I thought love was just emotions and maybe more-
Touches, hugs and kisses
Nights of longing for my name to change from Ms to Mrs.
But I was wrong.

Love is painful
Love is like giving birth
Then after the contractions
Looking into a rainbow
Leaving you in awe and wonder of your creation.

I didn't know the meaning of sacrifice
Until I had to die to myself so that you can live
I didn't know that physical pleasure was temporary
But lifting you up during hard times was forever

Love scraped my heart
It folded my soul
It killed my ambition for an artificial high
And it gave me the desire for a stronger soul tie.

Love killed my dreams for a perfect ending
And gave me the endurance for a perfect journey
It matured me in a different way
It gave me words that weren't good enough to say
But to demonstrate through action.

Love gave me traction to keep from slipping when I wanted to
Lust could never do that
Lust was too weak to make that strong of a pact.
Love kept me from leaving.

Love is being strong when you feel like breaking
Love does with intention and never mistaking
Love does because it has a code of honor
Love is eternal; if can, it'll go longer.

This type of force
just can't have one basic reference
If it can be named anything
Why not Divine Reverence

Thick Skin

I hate that I have to have thick skin.
When somebody calls me a black bitch,
I'm supposed to take it in,
Then spit it out like a lose tooth from a punch.

I hate that I have to ignore the hate
Because people think that I'm half human/half ape
Because my hair is kinky and my skin is brown
I hate that I have to smile to hide my frown

So no-one can see the tear marks hidden away in my eyes
When society says that your life don't matter
And being alive is a crime
I hate that I have to even say that
But it's a hate that I have to live with
A hate that feels colder than fact.

I hate that I have to one day, tell my son or my daughter
That yes, you're black and the world thinks you're cursed.
When they have to ask, "Then mommy, wouldn't us being here make the world worse?"
I hate that they will have to one day, struggle to find their self esteem.
Like I had to...

I hate that I'm not seen as a woman

That was designed to love and give birth to different forms of art
But my blood is used as warrior paint instead of a symbol of loss
My body was used as a pin cushion and a cadaver for abuse
Thick skin is how my ancestors survived past society's noose

I am tired of being emotionally strong
I want to feel vulnerable and not be labeled weak.
I want to be able to cry and see more days that are less bleak
I want to feel like I'm a FUCKING PERSON
And not a virus because of my skin color
I want to be judged as an individual
And not by anything other

But I know it's not going to happen
Because systematically we're in too deep.
But I hate that it's this way
Some nights I can't even sleep.

Thinking about the next generation
Is the best thing that I can do.
I have to put on that thick skin.
So that they can see how to overcome this too.

I Am Not Your Hoe

I am not your hoe.
Your bitch.
Your itch that you need to scratch.
Your entitlement because you think I'm weaker than you,
Or can't fight back.
Watch who you attack.
Because I could be the daughter that comes from your loins.
In which I'm sure you wouldn't want her worth being reduced to two red coins-
Or two pennies-
Or two cents-
Act like you have some sense.
Because I act like a lady, I don't act like a bitch.
Or a female dog in heat.
Do you see four legs on me?
Am I an animal or a human being?
Which you choose to unleash that verbal mess on me?

I am not your sex toy.
Or a walking, breathing flesh light with boobs.
Yes, I am beautiful.
But calling me a "bad bitch"?
Then my respect you all loose.
What in the hell is wrong with y'all today?
Who told you to approach me that way?
And if I don't entertain your play,
Now-I'm a hoe?
A thot?
A beastie?
A piece of trash?
No ass having, fuck you black bitch?

Hold-up...

Learn how to say hello.
Maybe introduce yourself formally.
Can I have a name, at least?
Or are you gonna continue acting like a dog who needs a leash?
If you want to ask me out on a date,
Engage me in an interesting convo.
I'm not a bait; or some food; or a "Hey you! Hey you, girl!"
I'm a grown ass woman.
Who expects to be approached as such.
Not some cheap, desperado that you can snatch real quick
Because you want your penis sucked or you need a fast nut.

Disclaimer: Not that I don't like to treat my man to such pleasures
But before I give you that crown
You got to get to know me to discover this treasure.
But if a hoe, thot, beastie, or bitch is what you're looking for,
You're referring to the wrong chick.
I'm not those women that you're used to.
I don't screw every dick.
So miss me with that disrespectful bull.
I'm a woman not a piece of meat.
That shit is not cool.
Manners is what you learned in primary school.
So act like you know; stop acting like a fool.

Another Awakening

I guess I’m unsatisfied.

I guess I’m alone on this ride towards that mountain I’m struggling to climb.

I guess you can’t come with me.

For whatever reason, we’re refusing to see that we’re both empty.

And neither one of us can fulfill each other’s needs the way it should be.

I guess I was wrong to assume differently.

I guess I’m unsatisfied.

I guess that truly, and deeply hidden within my soul, that I want more.

This has nothing to do with sex but with our futures that are in store.

I don’t know who you’re trying to become.

I’m lost because I can’t see why you won’t see yourself as the King I know that you can be and then some.

You think you’re weak. But I know you’re strong.

But I can’t continue to reassuring you that you’re capable. I’m supposed to be your woman—helping to push you towards greatness.

But I guess I was wrong. I should just let you be.

Who am I to try to change you?

I guess I’m unsatisfied.

I guess I lied. I thought I wanted us to become one under the sun but--

Maybe we’re meant to go on two separate paths.

Maybe we’re the lessons to each other that we need in order to further our journey.

Like a river separating into two springs

We're drifting. Becoming less intimate. Less intertwined. 

I thought you would be unsatisfied too with life as it is.

I wanted us to Rebel together, build a kingdom, thrive and live.

But I'm unsatisfied.

Yet, you're content.

I wonder how much more of this relationship we're going to waste that's already spent?