Parental

It began to rain

The moment I told myself

How much of a terrible parent I'd be

Because for years I struggled 

To parent myself.

I feel completely undeserving

To bask in the sunrays of a baby's smile 

Because who am I to trust myself? 

What if I self destruct?

Or sink my way into

The dark, crevices of post partum depression?

What if I become the thing I fear?

Anger.

Because growing up I felt its whiplash 

And like the smell of cigarettes 

It awakens an urge to return to what's familiar? 

What if I'm not done healing?

And the scars on my arms, now invisible, begin to show up on my child's heart?

What if I were to cause that harm?

Unintentionally dulling the lights in their eyes?

Turning them void

Because of me being too weak to block

The cascading stones from the world;

My shield breaking under the duress.

What if I loose my mind and break myself? 

Who would they call mom and protector?

I wish I could say that none of this will happen

But I love too much 

To risk giving them too little.

So I don't pursue that path for now.

In the hopes that someday,

I can pour into them

So that their joy comes from me

And not something that has to be acquired 

By them later 

Because I hurt them. 

Fantasies

Love bomb the ache away

Fuck me until I'm numb

Until I tire from pleasure

And I dissappear from under you

Make me not exist as I am

But who you'd wish I'd be

Let me be her

Anything but broken hearted.

I want an escape from pain

Be my love pill 

Even though I know this isn't real

I don't want the truth

Give me pretty lies

Fuck me like I made it hard for you to try

Give me your frustration

While I give you my empty eyes

Fill them up with false hope

Before I say good bye

Before this high is over

Before I turn over and feel the cold sweat on the soft cotton of your sheets.

Feed me one last kiss

So that I may always remember

How fantasies taste.

Real

I want to know if what we have is real

If you were to lose your sight of me,

Would you see me still? 

Could I recognize the feel of your hand

In a dark crowded room full of strangers?

Anyone can recognize my voice,

But could you instantly know the sound of my breath?

Could I close my eyes and sense when you quietly walk into the room?

I want that 

To me, that is what it means to be in love.

To be so deep into one another that there is no below or above

It's just us infinitely merging.

No heirarchy

Just every minute, looking at you and thinking about what beautiful music you make when you laugh.

And how you cry

The natural urge for me to hold you close is strong

And our arms become shields for one another.

I want to feel when you blink                  

I want to know you intimately like beauty knows a flower.

When we look at each other, I want us to see a higher power.

Love

To me is beyond what's physical.

Can you know me?

Can I see your soul?

Do you accept my imperfections because each one tells a story?

Do I love your inner child because he made the man that walks beside me everyday?

I want that

To me that is what it means to be in love 

To be two beautifylly, flawed people

Choosing acceptance. 

Night of the Soul

The night of the soul

Never comes quickly.

It slowly blankets the light of my smile

Like dusk.

Menacingly it takes over

And strangles like a rope

"How dare I exist?"

Over and over again, I'll repeat this

Until the very last drop of blood

Ceases to carry oxygen 

Through my veins.

Dark eyes full of wonder

Now searching for any speck of light. 

Damn this.

Sweet Touches Under a Duvet

I crave

Sweet touches under a duvet 

As you kiss my spine

Making me want to

Frolic into every excited nerve ending.

I want your hands 

To cup the flesh of my breasts

And to hug the juicy meat on my bones

Until there's nothing left.

I crave 

Sweet touches under a duvet

Slow and warm

Like sucking on chocolate

Like a dewy morning turning mid summer day.

I want to play

Under your moonlit sparkling eyes.

I want to feel

Your lips all over my body.

Car

Car rides lately 

Have been my new muse.

It's been trips to nowhere

That either helped or exacerbated my blues.

It's where I can cry my tears.

And talk to God about all my fears

"Should I leave him?"

"Do I really need this job?"

"What's my REAL purpose in life?"

My car takes me places on trips to nowhere.

Like, deep inner reflections

Like me questioning my obsession in becoming society's version of perfection.

I mentally purge myself.

Then I just get quiet.

Not hearing anything but smooth road and the humming of my engine.

Just listening and trying to receive messages from my own intuition.

Sometimes it comes.

My car is the quickest way to get to nowhere

So that I can think

So I can scream

So I can cry without judgement

And get lost on purpose 

Within the comfort of leather seats and distance.

I drive away. 

From everything.

Forgotten Power

Once upon a time, we knew

That the flame inside of us 

Could never be doused.

But foolish us

We were tricked to believe

That our light was dangerous.

A force of destruction.

A raging fire that must be quenched.

So we tried to bury it.

Blow on it.

Make it smaller.

Turning it into flickers 

As it struggles to breathe.

We live as if we were ashes. 

Once alive and feral.

Now numb to the dying embers.

Did we forget?