Boundless

I'd rather be on the surface of a luminescent moon.

I'd rather be part of a sunset, melting into the sky.

I'd rather be on a cloud, touching the stratosphere.

Anywhere but stuck here, on this Earth.

With my soul stranded and chained.

Earth is beautiful, but not beautiful enough.

Wondering if I have hidden wings or powers.

To deliver me outside my body, like a butterfly from a cocoon.

To emerge immortal, boundless and free.

I'd rather be exploring the galaxies beyond Saturn's many halos.

I'd rather be introduced to the nebulas that existed before time.

I'd rather be a part of the dark matter that holds everything.

Anywhere but stuck here, on this Earth.

With my soul stranded and chained.

Earth is beautiful, but not beautiful enough.

Who is she?

I know that I'm only temporary
Just here to fulfill your need and mines
We both sense our end as a couple
But desperation keeps us together--tied

It seems as though I'm waiting for her
The one I know will steal your heart
I'm waiting for the day when you say to me
I met someone else
Then I fall apart

She'll be rosey and kind
Gentle and sweet
Young and beautiful
She'll keep you intrigued

Her mind will entrance you like euphoric lights
Her eyes will be auroras of the night
Your heart will flutter
Her heart will ignite

Then I will stand as a shadow
To the one that will be your flame
Engulfed in your joy and glowing happiness
The woman of your desires, destined to bear your name.

Now, you will be gone
And I, to pick up the shards
Left to mend my broken pieces of self
Shining like deserted stars.

I'm just waiting for the blow
Waiting for the burn of the night
That night when you'll say
You are not who I want.

This woman, where is she to take my man?
Hurry and let this hurt take place.
So that this wound can heal
Before reality meets me face to face.

Mistake

I am the mistake that no one dares to speak about
I am the hurt that manifested into doubt
I am the fetus that should've never been  alive
And until this day, I wonder my demise.

What would life be like if only I stayed away
From this terrible Earth full of toil and pain
Why did I choose to take my first breath?
Why do I continue to avoid a timely death?

I am the seed that has grown into a weed
I am the thorns that make the fingers bleed
Upon a rose that is thought to bring love
I am the stain cast upon a pristine glove

What would happen if there was no soul
And I turn into energy if I ever choose to go?
Why didn't God let me stay as a thought?
So the price of myself, would've never been bought?

Weight

Skinny
I over did it.
I didn't want to look this thin.
But I couldn't stop picking myself apart.
For years, I tried to ration out my portions
Not thinking that the habit would permanently stick
Now leading to a sick feeling when I'm sitting in front of a plate
Trying not to overthink or gag when chewing morsels.
Trying to constantly convince my brain to take the food in---
Trying to feel normal again.

I don't thoroughly enjoy eating now.
It's too much work.
It mentally and emotionally drains me.

I stepped on the scale recently---134
How small will I get?
How much more weight would I lose?

Desperately trying to gain some of it back.
To regain the color to my face.
And the sparkle to my eyes.

Skinny
I over did it.
I didn't really want to do this forever
Now I'm shackled to this downward spiral.
Clothes are getting looser.
Energy keeps getting lower.
Tired of the sick feeling when I'm sitting in front of a plate.
Tired of overthinking everything.
Tired of having to constantly tell  my brain that its okay to feed my body.
Tired of not feeling normal again.

I just want to live. Not survive.

Release

I remember the welps on my back and legs.
The open wound on my thigh from an extension chord.
The bruise on my face.
The scars on my heart.

What started and what would've been something powerful,
has manifested into something worse than the ruins of another Roman Empire.
I am troubled and unfixable.
I fear myself.
I fear love.
I fear trust.
I fear vulnerability.
I fear a life of loneliness.

You made me feel like I was nothing.
And now I stand here, a fraction of a person.
Because your fucking words keep echoing into my soul.
Branding me over and over again, like an animal to a slaughter house.
I hate that you've done this to me!

Cry (Haiku)

Pretty brown girl, cry.
It's okay to feel the pain.
Let the tears find you.

Insecurities

He made me feel good.

So I parted my legs as if to give him an offering at his alter.
I budded for him because he made me forget my perceived ugliness
He made me smile.
To him, I wasn't a "bad" girl.
I was just a beautiful goddess.
Something that I couldn't paint in myself.
Because according to me, I was no canvas.
I was broken.
My inner compass didn't work.
So I felt lead and drawn to the nearest compliment.
God wasn't enough.
He was invisible.
How can I be an amazing creation to something that didn't want to show his face to me?
I was mad.
I was hungry for affirmations.
Greedy for fake admiration.
Bleeding for attention.
Wanting to be held and told I was worthy.

He made me feel good.
Even though my cup felt as if it would be empty forever. 
I was in constant need of inner surgery
That only relationships and sex could fulfill
I walked on glass
Crawled on stones
Believed that I was metamorphic.
But I was still me.
A shattered me.
No rescuing would ever come  to something unfixable.
I am forever a bird with clipped wings.
Never to fulfill its purpose within the sky again.
I have fulfilled my purpose as somebody's fix.
I was his notch.
He was my drug.
I lost my pride.