I'm Still Learning (free verse)

30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned that God is inside of me
And it rescues me daily from my own demons
That sometimes clash between my inner celestial self with what I was taught
And I was taught that I am a an empty temple that needed to be filled with something
Because me, as I am, as myself was not and could not be enough
At 30 years old, I know better now
Yes, I am a temple. But I am also a goddess that fills it.

30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned that pitfalls are teachers too
Failure taught me how to appreciate every sting
For it guided me to the right direction in where I should go.
I am my failures but I am also the times I've tried and succeeded
I am all of my experiences because my experiences made me.
At this point in my life, I know better now.
I don't have to be broken unless I allow myself to break.

30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned that love hurts
Sacrificing and serving another flawed human being
Is comparable to your soul being chipped away gently
Like tiny needles in the arm, anticipating the ache
But loving fiercely anyway.
Because it is the only way to truly evolve and create something beautiful.
Love hurts because it is a self-less act
But love is like water unto a parched desert.
It is the blood that flows like many rivers into an ocean.

30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned that I don't owe anyone an explanation on why I am.
I also learned that I am just one of many Earth souls.
There is nothing that special about me except for my intrinsic uniqueness
I am only one expression of nature
A tiny flicker in a more expansive universe
But I've learned that though I am small, I am special.
And like millions of other humans, have the choice to contribute to a complex humanity.

30 years of lessons and I learned that
Wounds heal
Tears are okay
I can get up
That I'll NEVER know everything or enough.
That I can unconditionally accept myself
That hard lessons aren't always bad lessons
That feeling good doesn't always mean being okay.
That I can sometimes be toxic
That I still have a lot of growing to do
That I am stronger than I think
Because I overcame a lot of mental and emotional battles
That beauty is an essence and not a dress size
That life doesn't throw you away after mistakes
That I am the goddess that I seek
That I am the positive energy that I speak
That life and reality is what you make it, and not what it tries to make you
I am an avid student of various lessons
And that I am on this Earth to continue learning

30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned to keep growing.
I learned to keep learning.
And that I'm continuously evolving
Into something higher and more new.

Loving Me (Free Verse)

Loving me can be hard.
I have to look at every blemish and scar on my face and accept it.
I have to tell myself that no matter what, I am loved by me.
And that there is nothing that I can do to remove myself from unconditional acceptance.
Every stretch mark, I have to embrace.
Every hair bump.
Every bruise.
Every roll or thigh dimple-
Imperfections are my story and I continuously have to teach myself that they are lovely.
I am a beautiful puzzle that is infinitely being put together more and more.
Each piece represents every lesson of growth
Growth is the true beauty that I seek.
Not some external standard.

Should I Run?

My eyes have been opened
To the fact that I'm not whole
My mind has been broken
To the reality of its holes

Mental illness may be my curse
But I don't know how to stand
Desperately trying to deny
It's increasing apparent hand

My father was its victim
How it destroyed his fragile life
Undiagnosed for years
Currently the catalyst to his strife

Is this something hereditary?
Will I be another slaughter?
Am I a ticking time bomb?
Am I my father's daughter?

Sleepless nights; depression
And thoughts of suicide
Wanting to harm myself on bad days
And not wanting to go outside

Feeling anxious every day
Needing distractions to somewhat cope
Sleeping has become my medicine
Each day, I'm losing hope

But I'm trying to stay positive
And do what I need to do
Taking therapy so that I can live
A life that is worth it too

But I often have to wonder
Is this something that is real?
Am I obsessed with this illness
Or are these thoughts that I can feel?

Should I run from this thought
That I took my father's demons
That I am destined to be lost
Under the weight of temporary feelings?

Or should I be still with an acknowledgment
That this is my plot
Should I manage these cards
That have been given as my lot?