Stare

I stare at myself in the mirror

Sometimes for minutes at a time

Thoughts on how I much I love myself

Or hate myself

Depending on the time of day and the color of my mood

I would say things like "Hey, sexy!" or "Damn, I can't stand this (insert body part here)"

Sometime I angle my body so it can look like an artist drew me

And then I'll paint myself with jewelry

But the best time is when I get out the shower

Then I'll get vulnerable with my reflection

Picking myself apart and examining every natural fiber.

Working hard to accept what's before me as a masterpiece

Because I have scarred myself with verbal missile attacks

There are things that not even cocoa butter can heal

But each day I'm accepting of what makes my body unique

Not that it's aesthetically perfect

But strong, functional, and healthy.

Today I stare at myself in the mirror

Because I'm entranced at what makes me beautiful

Which is my growing confidence and declaration of my own existence. 

Damn Near (Mental health trigger warning)

I often pray to become everesent 

Because I felt unworthy of pleasure.

Who was I to feel any kind of joy?

But instead I cried.

I cried to cleanse and to ease the pain.

I kissed my heart and wiped away her tears.

Tried to reassure her that it was going to be okay

Even if being okay meant staying out of bed

Even if it meant being okay enough to let in positive thoughts.

To just crack the door in my mind--only to let a little light in.

Okay enough to just be be still and let the hurt subside.

I damn near wanted to give up.

Couldn't find any excuses for my sadness

Was just sad.

Sad enough to want the reaper.

Sad enough to want to be buried alive

To feel the pain and the suffocation

As punishment for daring to leave the one invisible lover who never goes away

It continues to stays and binge on my brokenness

That day it almost killed me.

Damn near.

Sometimes

I dream with my eyes open

Imagining an existence where hiding in my shell no long feels like a refuge and a cage all at once.

Because Sometimes I fear myself

I fear being great

Afraid of exploding like a nuclear bomb that creates blinding light and destruction

What if like splitting atoms, I destroy myself in the process?