I often pray to become everesent
Because I felt unworthy of pleasure.
Who was I to feel any kind of joy?
But instead I cried.
I cried to cleanse and to ease the pain.
I kissed my heart and wiped away her tears.
Tried to reassure her that it was going to be okay
Even if being okay meant staying out of bed
Even if it meant being okay enough to let in positive thoughts.
To just crack the door in my mind--only to let a little light in.
Okay enough to just be be still and let the hurt subside.
I damn near wanted to give up.
Couldn't find any excuses for my sadness
Was just sad.
Sad enough to want the reaper.
Sad enough to want to be buried alive
To feel the pain and the suffocation
As punishment for daring to leave the one invisible lover who never goes away
It continues to stays and binge on my brokenness
That day it almost killed me.
Damn near.
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