Damn.
There she is.
The woman who could love you in ways that I couldn't.
The one to take you to the heights during your life journey
And the one to endure all the storms and your lows.
She has become the keeper of your treasure
Your heart
And here I am.
Watching you take her hand as she floats down the isle like a majestic swan.
Enveloped in white
Blushing with embers falling from her cheeks
As she stares at you.
Beautiful.
All have come to worship her, including you.
And I stare; painfully at the view.
Your hand stretched out to her.
Singing her praises like a hymn to a goddess.
It should've been me.
But yet here I am.
Outside of the tabernacle of life.
Eyes bloodshot from jealously.
Face somber from heartbreak.
Body aching to be loved and caressed by wedding vows.
Holding back tears.
Biting my tongue to feel the pain of it, in order to avoid feeling the pain forming in my chest.
Soul emptying
Skin cold and longing to be warmed by somebody's fire
Constantly searching but never finding
Finding something but always searching
Fingerprints left from past lives with you.
Now becoming erased and forever forgotten.
I have become a shadow to your new star.
And to think that it was going to be me.
It was never meant for us to be.
I wish, I wasn't the one who was wrong.
Thursday, June 20, 2019
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Already beautiful
We are already beautiful.
No scalpel or hand brush can re-create what's already perfect
Designed by God
Manufactured by the divine.
Who said that we had to change?
Because the last time I tried to,
My soul got rearranged.
Because I felt so messed up
That I couldn't look like someone else on TV
Not knowing that yes, though they are beautiful
My beauty is unique to me.
We are already beautiful.
Every shape, size, height, skin tone, hair texture and mind.
Having just one standard of perfection
Is like saying a lemon should be a lime.
A carnation should be a rose.
An eagle is inferior to a swan.
When all of creation is different
Why do we have to choose which is more worthy?
Even nature gives us a variety.
And every variation is good.
Damn good.
God knew humans weren't going to be satisfied with carbon copies.
That's why we were made to sing the songs of our own magnificent wonder.
No scalpel or hand brush can re-create what's already perfect
Designed by God
Manufactured by the divine.
Who said that we had to change?
Because the last time I tried to,
My soul got rearranged.
Because I felt so messed up
That I couldn't look like someone else on TV
Not knowing that yes, though they are beautiful
My beauty is unique to me.
We are already beautiful.
Every shape, size, height, skin tone, hair texture and mind.
Having just one standard of perfection
Is like saying a lemon should be a lime.
A carnation should be a rose.
An eagle is inferior to a swan.
When all of creation is different
Why do we have to choose which is more worthy?
Even nature gives us a variety.
And every variation is good.
Damn good.
God knew humans weren't going to be satisfied with carbon copies.
That's why we were made to sing the songs of our own magnificent wonder.
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
Dear Black Father
Dear black father
You are something invincible
And unbending to outside, destructible forces.
You have carried me on your shoulders
Even though you carried the world too.
You cried on the inside because the pain
Would sometimes be too unbearable
But you stood firm like a 200 year old tree in the Amazon
Unphased as heavy rains pour
Using every drop to add to your strength rather than drown you.
I am a product of your willingness to never give up in life, but to live at all costs.
To strive for excellence because you shine through me like the sun onto its moon.
You are more than a black panther who hunts and moves in stealth in a society that sees you as nearly invisible.
But you are a god who has protected me and guided me.
You have raised me up many times when I felt like falling.
When the thought of letting go crept into my being, I think of myself as the daughter of a mighty spirit. Warrior and King.
And if you've never allowed yourself to break, no matter how hard times have gotten.
Than neither will I give myself the fate.
The iron to my shield.
The blood to my veins that give me will.
The small of my back that straightens under duress
This head that's held high above my shoulders while in my heels and pink dress.
Your role as father has made me powerful.
Thank you for carrying me and showing me strength.
You are something invincible
And unbending to outside, destructible forces.
You have carried me on your shoulders
Even though you carried the world too.
You cried on the inside because the pain
Would sometimes be too unbearable
But you stood firm like a 200 year old tree in the Amazon
Unphased as heavy rains pour
Using every drop to add to your strength rather than drown you.
I am a product of your willingness to never give up in life, but to live at all costs.
To strive for excellence because you shine through me like the sun onto its moon.
You are more than a black panther who hunts and moves in stealth in a society that sees you as nearly invisible.
But you are a god who has protected me and guided me.
You have raised me up many times when I felt like falling.
When the thought of letting go crept into my being, I think of myself as the daughter of a mighty spirit. Warrior and King.
And if you've never allowed yourself to break, no matter how hard times have gotten.
Than neither will I give myself the fate.
The iron to my shield.
The blood to my veins that give me will.
The small of my back that straightens under duress
This head that's held high above my shoulders while in my heels and pink dress.
Your role as father has made me powerful.
Thank you for carrying me and showing me strength.
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
Dear Black Mother
Dear Black Mother
I am in awe of your transcending strength
Despite the ugliness of what life has thrown your way at times
You persevere
You push hard
You birthed more than my life
You have birthed psalms, healing touches, and brighter futures
You plant miracles
You manufacture magic
You are educated in God and in books
Your skin cell burst gold also known as melanin
You fight monsters
You conquer fears, including your own
You create
And I can only hope to be a fraction of what you are to me
And what you have done for me
And have metamorphesized.
You are a goddess
Angels fade into the distance when you speak
Your voice is the voice of a thousand rose pedals
Your steps toward righteousness has superseded Proverbs 31
Crowns do not do you justice
For there is none that is worthy enough to be placed on your person
You triumph over pain
With every morsel of grit you destroy your obstacles
In order to make new doors
You are feminine and powerful
Earthly and unearthly all at once
Dear black mother
May your lineage live on eternally
And manifest itself into a higher humanity.
I am in awe of your transcending strength
Despite the ugliness of what life has thrown your way at times
You persevere
You push hard
You birthed more than my life
You have birthed psalms, healing touches, and brighter futures
You plant miracles
You manufacture magic
You are educated in God and in books
Your skin cell burst gold also known as melanin
You fight monsters
You conquer fears, including your own
You create
And I can only hope to be a fraction of what you are to me
And what you have done for me
And have metamorphesized.
You are a goddess
Angels fade into the distance when you speak
Your voice is the voice of a thousand rose pedals
Your steps toward righteousness has superseded Proverbs 31
Crowns do not do you justice
For there is none that is worthy enough to be placed on your person
You triumph over pain
With every morsel of grit you destroy your obstacles
In order to make new doors
You are feminine and powerful
Earthly and unearthly all at once
Dear black mother
May your lineage live on eternally
And manifest itself into a higher humanity.
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
I'm Still Learning (free verse)
30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned that God is inside of me
And it rescues me daily from my own demons
That sometimes clash between my inner celestial self with what I was taught
And I was taught that I am a an empty temple that needed to be filled with something
Because me, as I am, as myself was not and could not be enough
At 30 years old, I know better now
Yes, I am a temple. But I am also a goddess that fills it.
30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned that pitfalls are teachers too
Failure taught me how to appreciate every sting
For it guided me to the right direction in where I should go.
I am my failures but I am also the times I've tried and succeeded
I am all of my experiences because my experiences made me.
At this point in my life, I know better now.
I don't have to be broken unless I allow myself to break.
30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned that love hurts
Sacrificing and serving another flawed human being
Is comparable to your soul being chipped away gently
Like tiny needles in the arm, anticipating the ache
But loving fiercely anyway.
Because it is the only way to truly evolve and create something beautiful.
Love hurts because it is a self-less act
But love is like water unto a parched desert.
It is the blood that flows like many rivers into an ocean.
30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned that I don't owe anyone an explanation on why I am.
I also learned that I am just one of many Earth souls.
There is nothing that special about me except for my intrinsic uniqueness
I am only one expression of nature
A tiny flicker in a more expansive universe
But I've learned that though I am small, I am special.
And like millions of other humans, have the choice to contribute to a complex humanity.
30 years of lessons and I learned that
Wounds heal
Tears are okay
I can get up
That I'll NEVER know everything or enough.
That I can unconditionally accept myself
That hard lessons aren't always bad lessons
That feeling good doesn't always mean being okay.
That I can sometimes be toxic
That I still have a lot of growing to do
That I am stronger than I think
Because I overcame a lot of mental and emotional battles
That beauty is an essence and not a dress size
That life doesn't throw you away after mistakes
That I am the goddess that I seek
That I am the positive energy that I speak
That life and reality is what you make it, and not what it tries to make you
I am an avid student of various lessons
And that I am on this Earth to continue learning
30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned to keep growing.
I learned to keep learning.
And that I'm continuously evolving
Into something higher and more new.
What did I learn?
I learned that God is inside of me
And it rescues me daily from my own demons
That sometimes clash between my inner celestial self with what I was taught
And I was taught that I am a an empty temple that needed to be filled with something
Because me, as I am, as myself was not and could not be enough
At 30 years old, I know better now
Yes, I am a temple. But I am also a goddess that fills it.
30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned that pitfalls are teachers too
Failure taught me how to appreciate every sting
For it guided me to the right direction in where I should go.
I am my failures but I am also the times I've tried and succeeded
I am all of my experiences because my experiences made me.
At this point in my life, I know better now.
I don't have to be broken unless I allow myself to break.
30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned that love hurts
Sacrificing and serving another flawed human being
Is comparable to your soul being chipped away gently
Like tiny needles in the arm, anticipating the ache
But loving fiercely anyway.
Because it is the only way to truly evolve and create something beautiful.
Love hurts because it is a self-less act
But love is like water unto a parched desert.
It is the blood that flows like many rivers into an ocean.
30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned that I don't owe anyone an explanation on why I am.
I also learned that I am just one of many Earth souls.
There is nothing that special about me except for my intrinsic uniqueness
I am only one expression of nature
A tiny flicker in a more expansive universe
But I've learned that though I am small, I am special.
And like millions of other humans, have the choice to contribute to a complex humanity.
30 years of lessons and I learned that
Wounds heal
Tears are okay
I can get up
That I'll NEVER know everything or enough.
That I can unconditionally accept myself
That hard lessons aren't always bad lessons
That feeling good doesn't always mean being okay.
That I can sometimes be toxic
That I still have a lot of growing to do
That I am stronger than I think
Because I overcame a lot of mental and emotional battles
That beauty is an essence and not a dress size
That life doesn't throw you away after mistakes
That I am the goddess that I seek
That I am the positive energy that I speak
That life and reality is what you make it, and not what it tries to make you
I am an avid student of various lessons
And that I am on this Earth to continue learning
30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned to keep growing.
I learned to keep learning.
And that I'm continuously evolving
Into something higher and more new.
Loving Me (Free Verse)
Loving me can be hard.
I have to look at every blemish and scar on my face and accept it.
I have to tell myself that no matter what, I am loved by me.
And that there is nothing that I can do to remove myself from unconditional acceptance.
Every stretch mark, I have to embrace.
Every hair bump.
Every bruise.
Every roll or thigh dimple-
Imperfections are my story and I continuously have to teach myself that they are lovely.
I am a beautiful puzzle that is infinitely being put together more and more.
Each piece represents every lesson of growth
Growth is the true beauty that I seek.
Not some external standard.
I have to look at every blemish and scar on my face and accept it.
I have to tell myself that no matter what, I am loved by me.
And that there is nothing that I can do to remove myself from unconditional acceptance.
Every stretch mark, I have to embrace.
Every hair bump.
Every bruise.
Every roll or thigh dimple-
Imperfections are my story and I continuously have to teach myself that they are lovely.
I am a beautiful puzzle that is infinitely being put together more and more.
Each piece represents every lesson of growth
Growth is the true beauty that I seek.
Not some external standard.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Should I Run?
My eyes have been opened
To the fact that I'm not whole
My mind has been broken
To the reality of its holes
Mental illness may be my curse
But I don't know how to stand
Desperately trying to deny
It's increasing apparent hand
My father was its victim
How it destroyed his fragile life
Undiagnosed for years
Currently the catalyst to his strife
Is this something hereditary?
Will I be another slaughter?
Am I a ticking time bomb?
Am I my father's daughter?
Sleepless nights; depression
And thoughts of suicide
Wanting to harm myself on bad days
And not wanting to go outside
Feeling anxious every day
Needing distractions to somewhat cope
Sleeping has become my medicine
Each day, I'm losing hope
But I'm trying to stay positive
And do what I need to do
Taking therapy so that I can live
A life that is worth it too
But I often have to wonder
Is this something that is real?
Am I obsessed with this illness
Or are these thoughts that I can feel?
Should I run from this thought
That I took my father's demons
That I am destined to be lost
Under the weight of temporary feelings?
Or should I be still with an acknowledgment
That this is my plot
Should I manage these cards
That have been given as my lot?
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