I'm Still Learning (free verse)

30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned that God is inside of me
And it rescues me daily from my own demons
That sometimes clash between my inner celestial self with what I was taught
And I was taught that I am a an empty temple that needed to be filled with something
Because me, as I am, as myself was not and could not be enough
At 30 years old, I know better now
Yes, I am a temple. But I am also a goddess that fills it.

30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned that pitfalls are teachers too
Failure taught me how to appreciate every sting
For it guided me to the right direction in where I should go.
I am my failures but I am also the times I've tried and succeeded
I am all of my experiences because my experiences made me.
At this point in my life, I know better now.
I don't have to be broken unless I allow myself to break.

30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned that love hurts
Sacrificing and serving another flawed human being
Is comparable to your soul being chipped away gently
Like tiny needles in the arm, anticipating the ache
But loving fiercely anyway.
Because it is the only way to truly evolve and create something beautiful.
Love hurts because it is a self-less act
But love is like water unto a parched desert.
It is the blood that flows like many rivers into an ocean.

30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned that I don't owe anyone an explanation on why I am.
I also learned that I am just one of many Earth souls.
There is nothing that special about me except for my intrinsic uniqueness
I am only one expression of nature
A tiny flicker in a more expansive universe
But I've learned that though I am small, I am special.
And like millions of other humans, have the choice to contribute to a complex humanity.

30 years of lessons and I learned that
Wounds heal
Tears are okay
I can get up
That I'll NEVER know everything or enough.
That I can unconditionally accept myself
That hard lessons aren't always bad lessons
That feeling good doesn't always mean being okay.
That I can sometimes be toxic
That I still have a lot of growing to do
That I am stronger than I think
Because I overcame a lot of mental and emotional battles
That beauty is an essence and not a dress size
That life doesn't throw you away after mistakes
That I am the goddess that I seek
That I am the positive energy that I speak
That life and reality is what you make it, and not what it tries to make you
I am an avid student of various lessons
And that I am on this Earth to continue learning

30 years of lessons
What did I learn?
I learned to keep growing.
I learned to keep learning.
And that I'm continuously evolving
Into something higher and more new.

Loving Me (Free Verse)

Loving me can be hard.
I have to look at every blemish and scar on my face and accept it.
I have to tell myself that no matter what, I am loved by me.
And that there is nothing that I can do to remove myself from unconditional acceptance.
Every stretch mark, I have to embrace.
Every hair bump.
Every bruise.
Every roll or thigh dimple-
Imperfections are my story and I continuously have to teach myself that they are lovely.
I am a beautiful puzzle that is infinitely being put together more and more.
Each piece represents every lesson of growth
Growth is the true beauty that I seek.
Not some external standard.

Should I Run?

My eyes have been opened
To the fact that I'm not whole
My mind has been broken
To the reality of its holes

Mental illness may be my curse
But I don't know how to stand
Desperately trying to deny
It's increasing apparent hand

My father was its victim
How it destroyed his fragile life
Undiagnosed for years
Currently the catalyst to his strife

Is this something hereditary?
Will I be another slaughter?
Am I a ticking time bomb?
Am I my father's daughter?

Sleepless nights; depression
And thoughts of suicide
Wanting to harm myself on bad days
And not wanting to go outside

Feeling anxious every day
Needing distractions to somewhat cope
Sleeping has become my medicine
Each day, I'm losing hope

But I'm trying to stay positive
And do what I need to do
Taking therapy so that I can live
A life that is worth it too

But I often have to wonder
Is this something that is real?
Am I obsessed with this illness
Or are these thoughts that I can feel?

Should I run from this thought
That I took my father's demons
That I am destined to be lost
Under the weight of temporary feelings?

Or should I be still with an acknowledgment
That this is my plot
Should I manage these cards
That have been given as my lot?

Boundless

I'd rather be on the surface of a luminescent moon.

I'd rather be part of a sunset, melting into the sky.

I'd rather be on a cloud, touching the stratosphere.

Anywhere but stuck here, on this Earth.

With my soul stranded and chained.

Earth is beautiful, but not beautiful enough.

Wondering if I have hidden wings or powers.

To deliver me outside my body, like a butterfly from a cocoon.

To emerge immortal, boundless and free.

I'd rather be exploring the galaxies beyond Saturn's many halos.

I'd rather be introduced to the nebulas that existed before time.

I'd rather be a part of the dark matter that holds everything.

Anywhere but stuck here, on this Earth.

With my soul stranded and chained.

Earth is beautiful, but not beautiful enough.

Who is she?

I know that I'm only temporary
Just here to fulfill your need and mines
We both sense our end as a couple
But desperation keeps us together--tied

It seems as though I'm waiting for her
The one I know will steal your heart
I'm waiting for the day when you say to me
I met someone else
Then I fall apart

She'll be rosey and kind
Gentle and sweet
Young and beautiful
She'll keep you intrigued

Her mind will entrance you like euphoric lights
Her eyes will be auroras of the night
Your heart will flutter
Her heart will ignite

Then I will stand as a shadow
To the one that will be your flame
Engulfed in your joy and glowing happiness
The woman of your desires, destined to bear your name.

Now, you will be gone
And I, to pick up the shards
Left to mend my broken pieces of self
Shining like deserted stars.

I'm just waiting for the blow
Waiting for the burn of the night
That night when you'll say
You are not who I want.

This woman, where is she to take my man?
Hurry and let this hurt take place.
So that this wound can heal
Before reality meets me face to face.

Mistake

I am the mistake that no one dares to speak about
I am the hurt that manifested into doubt
I am the fetus that should've never been  alive
And until this day, I wonder my demise.

What would life be like if only I stayed away
From this terrible Earth full of toil and pain
Why did I choose to take my first breath?
Why do I continue to avoid a timely death?

I am the seed that has grown into a weed
I am the thorns that make the fingers bleed
Upon a rose that is thought to bring love
I am the stain cast upon a pristine glove

What would happen if there was no soul
And I turn into energy if I ever choose to go?
Why didn't God let me stay as a thought?
So the price of myself, would've never been bought?

Weight

Skinny
I over did it.
I didn't want to look this thin.
But I couldn't stop picking myself apart.
For years, I tried to ration out my portions
Not thinking that the habit would permanently stick
Now leading to a sick feeling when I'm sitting in front of a plate
Trying not to overthink or gag when chewing morsels.
Trying to constantly convince my brain to take the food in---
Trying to feel normal again.

I don't thoroughly enjoy eating now.
It's too much work.
It mentally and emotionally drains me.

I stepped on the scale recently---134
How small will I get?
How much more weight would I lose?

Desperately trying to gain some of it back.
To regain the color to my face.
And the sparkle to my eyes.

Skinny
I over did it.
I didn't really want to do this forever
Now I'm shackled to this downward spiral.
Clothes are getting looser.
Energy keeps getting lower.
Tired of the sick feeling when I'm sitting in front of a plate.
Tired of overthinking everything.
Tired of having to constantly tell  my brain that its okay to feed my body.
Tired of not feeling normal again.

I just want to live. Not survive.